My name is Lindsay. I had an awful experience with antidepressant withdrawal that almost seems so unreal that it was a dream. Or more like a nightmare.

I have been taking 20mg of Citalopram (Celexa) for the past 7 1/2 years. At the time I was prescribed Citalopram, I went through a major life change and went into a severe depression where I cried nonstop for days and couldn't get out of bed. I pushed myself to see a doctor and he suggested an antidepressant. I was 40 years old and had been avoiding antidepressants my whole life as I was prescribed Paxil (Paroxetine) as a teenager and couldn't handle it. As a teen, I only took Paxil for a week but when I stopped it abruptly I felt awful. As an adult I felt so depressed that I didn't have another choice.

Citalopram DID help me. I felt my mood lift and combined with therapy, lifestyle changes and working out, I felt way better, almost "normal" again. There were several times that I thought to myself, "I will have to be on this for the rest of my life."

Flash forward to a few months ago, I was going through a very stressful time in my life and I wasn't home a lot. I can recall that I skipped a few doses of Citalopram but I'm not sure exactly how many. This became the beginning of a nightmare that I thought would never go away.

Around the time of my skipped doses (I do not know how many I skipped, or the time frame of when I went into withdrawal), it started with my legs feeling tingly and numb. It went away and the next few days I was fine. Then sometime during work (I work from home), I started feeling really nauseous. I had to stop working. That night the nightmare began. After I went to bed, I awoke with "shocks to my body", pre-syncope (the sensation of feeling faint without fainting - I thought I was going to pass out every second), repeated hot flashes, tingling legs, panic attacks, fast heart-rate and akathisia (a movement disorder characterized by an intense feeling of inner restlessness and an uncontrollable urge to move - I learned this word later on due to all my research).

I called 911 and was taken to the ER. All my vitals were good. They gave me an Ativan (Lorazepam), a benzodiazepine, and told me that I was having panic attacks. At this point, I didn't know what was going on. I thought I was having a stroke or seizure since I passed out from heat exhaustion a week prior (I am thinking that could have been the start of the antidepressant withdrawal). The ER doc told me that I needed to see my regular doctor and a psychiatrist.

A few days later I walked into my doctor's office. I started figuring out that what I was going through was from not taking my medication consistently. I explained this to the doctor. She said that my body was in crisis mode, to make sure I continue my medication and prescribed hydroxyzine (an antihistamine medication) for anxiety and nausea.

That became the beginning of hell and multiple doctor visits. Even after being consistent with my dosage of Citalopram, at the same time every day after that visit, I felt absolutely awful and non-functional with a variety of new symptoms coming and going every single day. The insomnia and akathisia was so bad that there were several nights that I could not sit still or go to sleep and I would collapse from exhaustion for an hour or 2 just so my body could get sleep. I felt like my nerves were permanently damaged as it felt like I was getting "shocked" on and off repeatedly. My heart beat rapidly for about 6 weeks. The akathisia was so scary.

I wondered if I would ever be able to relax again. I couldn't sit still to work and there were several days I had to call in sick. I was dizzy and unbalanced for about 6 weeks. Even now after 10 weeks, I still feel light-headed sometimes. My ear felt full like it was going through a wind tunnel. Oh and the nausea was unbearable. At its worst, my stomach felt like it was burning. I went to the ER for that too and everything tested was normal. I learned after that, to not go to the doctor as I was going through withdrawal and doctors didn't understand it. I hardly understood it myself.

I saw two psychiatrists. One minimized my experience, saying that it sounded like I was just having a more severe reaction than others. That most people just throw up a bit for a few days then they are fine. He didn't want to change my dose or medication and I'm grateful for that. The next one was really convinced that my medication was not working for me and he wanted to up my dose. I got the prescription refill but did not take it. I stuck to staying on my current dose. The 2nd doctor also told me that I am not in withdrawal because I am still on my medication. I asked both of them how they would advise tapering if I wanted to get out of it and they both had the same answer: We'll taper you from 20mg to 10mg to 5mg in a matter of months. You'll feel "uncomfortable" but then you will be fine.

I had so many symptoms daily and it was so debilitating every day that I was starting to lose hope. I also had intrusive thoughts like suicide which scared me so much. I had to keep telling myself that this was the drug and not me. I had psychosis as well from insomnia. I thought several times, I can't live like this! The progress was SO slow and I felt so alone in all this. Then I began researching Facebook groups for antidepressant withdrawal that led me to a lot of information and people who have gone through this.

I started getting angry. Why are doctors dismissing us? Why weren't these side effects disclosed? Why was I never warned that even skipping doses could lead to this? Why is there no safe way to help people get off antidepressants if they want to? My eyes were truly opened. All I wanted though was to get better. Thankfully although progress was really slow by taking my regular dose, eating healthy, light exercise, and with breathing and grounding exercises I feel good after 10 weeks. I am finally sleeping again and my appetite has come back.

However, the time, money, health scare and now therapy from PTSD has affected my life dramatically. I am now a part of the withdrawal community whether I want to be or not. I am really angry with the medical and pharmaceutical industry. Now that I know how scary antidepressant withdrawal is, I know that many people can lose their lives over this.

I would like to slowly taper off these drugs. But I'm scared because it won't be easy and it will take years. I guess the one good thing that came out of this is now I have the knowledge and I can warn others.